Archive for September, 2012

Unemployed set to Strike over Cut in Handouts

September 18, 2012

Members of the unemployed were said to be outraged over plans to freeze unemployment benefit for the next two years.

Barry Scott, 31, unemployed from Battersea said, “It’s outrageous, with all this free time on my hands I need the money in order to go out and do stuff.”

Barry  then added, “The idea of going on a march or something to protest is a great idea….. but I hope it doesn’t start too early cos I don’t get up until 10.”

unemployed man watching tv

Daily activity of the typical unemployed man.

Working people up and down the land were said to be elated at the news that the ‘Father feed’em all’ was finally going to get tough on the generous handout culture that supports tens of thousands of layabouts, all of which have a pathological fear of this place;

This is where you can find  job..... don't be scared, they won't bite you.

A spokesman for the nations unemployed said, “It’s really tough out there, some of our members are having to reduce their Sky packages down to the bare minimum, it’s barbaric!”

A Government spokesman said, “It’s about time the unemployed earned their keep by doing something, so our headline grabbing pay freeze of tuppence ha’penny a month, will force them off the sofa and back out to work…. maybe,” before adding, “either way, the middle classes will feel like we are doing something in spite of the welfare budget rising every year even though we keep announcing lower jobless figures.”

Another Government spokesman said, “We want everyone to go out to work, men, women, children, everyone. We’ve already got more OAP’s working than at any time in history…. it must be because they love working too much to stop?”

A typical working man

A typical working man

Contrast this with a typical working woman;

a typical working woman

A typical working day for working women all over the country.

Everyone can work at something if they really want to.

Barry from Battersea commented, “I work. I’ve been working really hard on Call of Duty 4 for weeks, morning noon and night…. it’s worse than a full time job, I can tell you….. It takes up every waking moment, but I get a lot of satisfaction from it.”

We did ask some working folk for their opinions, but they were too busy tutting, moaning about cancelled trains and trying to make ends meet to stop for a chat.

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Prince Harry Attacked in Helmand Province

September 17, 2012

Following reports that Camp Bastion was attacked over the weekend because of Prince Harry’s presence there, insiders have announced that Harry was protected one mile away from the attack in a sealed area, protected by SAS officers.

Prince Harry with Ex Chelsy Davy

Prince Harry has been the subject of a Taliban attack in Afganistan

Taliban attacks in the area are quite common, but it is believed that this was made as a direct result of Prince Harry being in the camp. Harry is a fully trained Apache helicopter pilot, and is due to begin operations in the coming days as part of a four month deployment.

Taliban sources are said to be seeking retribution in response to Prince Harry’s disrespectful use of Billiard equipment on a recent break to Las Vegas. It is well known that the Taliban hold very strict views where Billiards are concerned, and activities including resting your balls on the baize, banging slappers til the sun comes up and leaving pint glasses on the woodwork are all deemed offensive.

Friends of Prince Harry were reported as saying “It was totally wild, like proper mental, H kept saying he was going for the red balls in the top pocket…. it was like, totally amazing”.

Billiard fans the world over initially reacted with outrage at the inappropriate use of sporting equipment, but this is the first incidence of violence towards anyone participating in a Billiards related gangbang.

Prince Harry has apologised for his activities saying “that he just wanted to put the whole, extremely enjoyable week behind him and get on with the work he is there to do”.

We were going to ask someone from the Taliban for their opinion by it seems a little risky so we didn’t.

Prince William Confirms that Kate does have Breasts

September 16, 2012

Following months of speculation…. has she or hasn’t she… the palace have finally ended speculation by confirming the suspicions help by low level tabloids around the world that Kate does indeed have two breasts….

The palace are now hoping, following this revelation that Kate and her breasts will be left alone to do whatever they normally do on a day to day basis.

suspicions grew following the release of pictures such as these, clearly showing two bumps that probably indicate the presence of breasts.

Two bumps indicating that Kate may well be concealing breasts

Kate has been guilty of concealing her breasts for years now, and this kind of duplicity and deception can only be ended by the scrupulous actions of the world press, proving once and for all that she has been trying to hide the truth from us all.

Jackie Spangle, a random from Woking who we caught up with as she came out of a local Harvester said, “I feel betrayed. For several years Kate has been a heroine of mine, I looked up to her because she was special and different,” before adding “to find out that she is just like me, with two breasts and stuff is soul destroying.”

It was revealed by a source inside the French Closer magazine offices that they have proof also that not only does Kate wax body hair, but also incontrovertible evidence that on occasion she also takes a number two.

This news is set to shock the world who up until now hadn’t given a flying fuck about any of this.

It is also understood by another insider that several magazines have information that Kate might also be in possession of a FooFoo, which she might very well use in the not too distant future to make a baby who will be 3rd in line to the throne. These undisclosed magazines are all eager to be the first to provide proof of the existence of her alleged FooFoo, and have pledged to hound her to the four corners of the globe in their quest for photographic evidence.

We asked several people on the street for their opinions, all of which came out on Kate’s side, with one exception, Kyle Downey from Carlisle who said, “It’s all well and good, but it’s Kate’s sister Pippa’s Norks we all really want to see, so why aren’t they all over the interweb?” adding, “that really would make my broadband fees worth paying.”

 

Kate Middleton is Naked

September 15, 2012

The world awoke to the shocking news that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge is, beneath all those beautiful clothes….. naked.

This fact has been pointed out to us by the French ‘Closer” magazine, which has carried out this marvelous public service, benefiting the world. Editor of the magazine Mademoiselle Dumarse said “I can’t see that we have done anything wrong” ….. and that my fellow non French citizens is why they should have never done away with the guillotine.

Kate Middleton with clothes onAs the wife of our future King, we thought it apt to show her fully clothed, even though all you dirty so and so’s know know that underneath that pretty dress, she hasn’t got anything on… I mean its scandalous isn’t it?

Men in some sections of society have known for several months that in certain circumstances women are naked beneath their clothes, in some cases as the day they were born…… and very often shameless about it too, showing off their hoohar’s as well as their nipnips.

Personally I feel sorry for the poor photographer in France who was unfortunate enough to find his eye line invaded by Kate sunbathing topless in the privacy of private grounds. Thankfully he just happened to have a massive telephone lens on his camera… you know the ones I mean….. all those…. what are they called…… pa…. pap…. papa….. arseholes have them.

You would think that the French would have learned their lesson after Diana’s death, but it looks like they want to hound Kate into an early grave too.

I say boycott everything french until they all apologise….. doors, toast, letters… the lot.

The Duke of Edinburgh was alleged to be thinking “Bloody cheese eating surrender monkeys… papping our Kate….. flog the buggers”, and probably “it’s not like she was caught banging a slapper on a billiard table, so let’s cut her some slack.”

We love you Kate… the french can all go Fuck themselves.

Olympic Legacy is Assured

September 14, 2012

Official figures released today by the department of self justification show that the Olympic legacy promised to us by Lord Coe, Boris Johnson et al is safe for years to come. Statistics to be published today show that more people spent longer watching people running, jumping and pedalling there way to fame and riches than at any previous games.

olympic legacy is safe for a generation

Olympic rings on fire symbolising the burning haemorrhoids epidemic anticipated after millions of plucky Brits gorge on junk food, too much beer and days of constant inactivity

We went onto the street to gauge public opinion on the Olympic legacy.

Mary Mantle said, “It’s been incredible, my boyfriend Barry hasn’t stopped watching them athletes and stuff for weeks now…. morning noon and night….. I admire him so much for his hard work and dedication.” she continued “Barry is adamant that the games have changed his views and from now on he is going to be watching a lot more TV, if only to keep the legacy alive.”

It seems that tuning in to watch millionaire hop, skip and jump their way into the record books has given the nation an appetite for watching far more TV than they used to.

Colin Wright, 22, from Tottenham said “I for one won’t be letting the legacy slip through my fingers, having spent many happy hours watching the games this summer, especially Jessica Ennis and the Ladies Beach Volley Ball, I’m gonna go channel hopping looking for more scantily clad hotties bouncing around….. it was great!” he also continued (even though we were walking away at this point), saying “there were some low points such as that british girl in the swimming who put me off my stroke for an hour or two, but as soon as I tuned into see the Trott girl in the cycling I got wood again and it all turned out ok in the end!”

Locock official organisers of legacy implementation are satisfied so far, saying sales of beer, take away food and tissues have seen record sales during the games.

TV watching saw a massive increase during the games as we all embraced the spirit of London 2012 by getting drunk, sitting for days on end and having junk food delivered in record numbers.

TV watching saw a massive increase during the games as we all embraced the spirit of London 2012 by getting drunk, sitting for days on end and having junk food delivered in record numbers.

A spokesman for the Government said “I think the people of Britain will continue to reap the rewards of London 2012, I for one will be watching more TV in future, and I know many of my colleagues feel the same.”

iPhone 5 to Rescue World Economy

September 13, 2012

World leaders were last night pinning all their hopes on Apple and the launch of their new vaguely improved, slightly bigger iPhone 5. Heralded by industry expert Barry Slammer of http://www.applearegreat.com as “revolutionary whilst remaining the same” sales of the totally unnecessary device are expected to singlehandedly prop up world economies.

Apple’s master stroke is to include a smaller power adapter, meaning that all those apple accessories gathering dust in the bottom of your drawer are now going to require an adapter to work with the new iPhone 5. Sales of adapters alone are set to double the GDP in the US in Q4 on 2012, meaning an end to recession and everyone living happily ever after.

Making an new iPhone that is slightly different to the old one was necessary in order for Apple to stay ahead in the desirability stakes. Julie Munter, a mother of one from Preston said, “It sounds fantastic, its new and shiny and desirable and everyone will think I’m awesome if I get one”. She then went on to say her only concern was that she was worried her son might moan about the bread and water he was going to have to eat for 6 months while she saved up her father feedem all handouts in order to buy one.

Apple denied it was profiteering from the power adapter redesign saying you don’t have to buy one if you don’t want to, but they are so pretty and so shiny, you might not be able to help yourself.

Even though they haven’t actually made any of the new phones yet, queues began to form outside many Apple stores. The queues were aided by the fact that fewer people have jobs these days, freeing up their time.

A spokesperson for Greece said ” Thank fuck for Apple, Europe is saved, happy days are here again!”

An Ebay spokesman apologised in advance for their site being unable to cope with the demand for substandard fake adapters out of China, saying “This shit takes a lot of bandwidth to flog and we underestimated how much we would need in three months time….. when this wholly unnecessary new device becomes available.

In response to demand for people wanting to gush and fawn over all things Apple, Twitter crashed….. opps!

A Samsung spokesman was reported as saying “Fuck” (but in Korean)