Unemployed set to Strike over Cut in Handouts

September 18, 2012

Members of the unemployed were said to be outraged over plans to freeze unemployment benefit for the next two years.

Barry Scott, 31, unemployed from Battersea said, “It’s outrageous, with all this free time on my hands I need the money in order to go out and do stuff.”

Barry  then added, “The idea of going on a march or something to protest is a great idea….. but I hope it doesn’t start too early cos I don’t get up until 10.”

unemployed man watching tv

Daily activity of the typical unemployed man.

Working people up and down the land were said to be elated at the news that the ‘Father feed’em all’ was finally going to get tough on the generous handout culture that supports tens of thousands of layabouts, all of which have a pathological fear of this place;

This is where you can find  job..... don't be scared, they won't bite you.

A spokesman for the nations unemployed said, “It’s really tough out there, some of our members are having to reduce their Sky packages down to the bare minimum, it’s barbaric!”

A Government spokesman said, “It’s about time the unemployed earned their keep by doing something, so our headline grabbing pay freeze of tuppence ha’penny a month, will force them off the sofa and back out to work…. maybe,” before adding, “either way, the middle classes will feel like we are doing something in spite of the welfare budget rising every year even though we keep announcing lower jobless figures.”

Another Government spokesman said, “We want everyone to go out to work, men, women, children, everyone. We’ve already got more OAP’s working than at any time in history…. it must be because they love working too much to stop?”

A typical working man

A typical working man

Contrast this with a typical working woman;

a typical working woman

A typical working day for working women all over the country.

Everyone can work at something if they really want to.

Barry from Battersea commented, “I work. I’ve been working really hard on Call of Duty 4 for weeks, morning noon and night…. it’s worse than a full time job, I can tell you….. It takes up every waking moment, but I get a lot of satisfaction from it.”

We did ask some working folk for their opinions, but they were too busy tutting, moaning about cancelled trains and trying to make ends meet to stop for a chat.

Prince Harry Attacked in Helmand Province

September 17, 2012

Following reports that Camp Bastion was attacked over the weekend because of Prince Harry’s presence there, insiders have announced that Harry was protected one mile away from the attack in a sealed area, protected by SAS officers.

Prince Harry with Ex Chelsy Davy

Prince Harry has been the subject of a Taliban attack in Afganistan

Taliban attacks in the area are quite common, but it is believed that this was made as a direct result of Prince Harry being in the camp. Harry is a fully trained Apache helicopter pilot, and is due to begin operations in the coming days as part of a four month deployment.

Taliban sources are said to be seeking retribution in response to Prince Harry’s disrespectful use of Billiard equipment on a recent break to Las Vegas. It is well known that the Taliban hold very strict views where Billiards are concerned, and activities including resting your balls on the baize, banging slappers til the sun comes up and leaving pint glasses on the woodwork are all deemed offensive.

Friends of Prince Harry were reported as saying “It was totally wild, like proper mental, H kept saying he was going for the red balls in the top pocket…. it was like, totally amazing”.

Billiard fans the world over initially reacted with outrage at the inappropriate use of sporting equipment, but this is the first incidence of violence towards anyone participating in a Billiards related gangbang.

Prince Harry has apologised for his activities saying “that he just wanted to put the whole, extremely enjoyable week behind him and get on with the work he is there to do”.

We were going to ask someone from the Taliban for their opinion by it seems a little risky so we didn’t.

Prince William Confirms that Kate does have Breasts

September 16, 2012

Following months of speculation…. has she or hasn’t she… the palace have finally ended speculation by confirming the suspicions help by low level tabloids around the world that Kate does indeed have two breasts….

The palace are now hoping, following this revelation that Kate and her breasts will be left alone to do whatever they normally do on a day to day basis.

suspicions grew following the release of pictures such as these, clearly showing two bumps that probably indicate the presence of breasts.

Two bumps indicating that Kate may well be concealing breasts

Kate has been guilty of concealing her breasts for years now, and this kind of duplicity and deception can only be ended by the scrupulous actions of the world press, proving once and for all that she has been trying to hide the truth from us all.

Jackie Spangle, a random from Woking who we caught up with as she came out of a local Harvester said, “I feel betrayed. For several years Kate has been a heroine of mine, I looked up to her because she was special and different,” before adding “to find out that she is just like me, with two breasts and stuff is soul destroying.”

It was revealed by a source inside the French Closer magazine offices that they have proof also that not only does Kate wax body hair, but also incontrovertible evidence that on occasion she also takes a number two.

This news is set to shock the world who up until now hadn’t given a flying fuck about any of this.

It is also understood by another insider that several magazines have information that Kate might also be in possession of a FooFoo, which she might very well use in the not too distant future to make a baby who will be 3rd in line to the throne. These undisclosed magazines are all eager to be the first to provide proof of the existence of her alleged FooFoo, and have pledged to hound her to the four corners of the globe in their quest for photographic evidence.

We asked several people on the street for their opinions, all of which came out on Kate’s side, with one exception, Kyle Downey from Carlisle who said, “It’s all well and good, but it’s Kate’s sister Pippa’s Norks we all really want to see, so why aren’t they all over the interweb?” adding, “that really would make my broadband fees worth paying.”

 

Kate Middleton is Naked

September 15, 2012

The world awoke to the shocking news that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge is, beneath all those beautiful clothes….. naked.

This fact has been pointed out to us by the French ‘Closer” magazine, which has carried out this marvelous public service, benefiting the world. Editor of the magazine Mademoiselle Dumarse said “I can’t see that we have done anything wrong” ….. and that my fellow non French citizens is why they should have never done away with the guillotine.

Kate Middleton with clothes onAs the wife of our future King, we thought it apt to show her fully clothed, even though all you dirty so and so’s know know that underneath that pretty dress, she hasn’t got anything on… I mean its scandalous isn’t it?

Men in some sections of society have known for several months that in certain circumstances women are naked beneath their clothes, in some cases as the day they were born…… and very often shameless about it too, showing off their hoohar’s as well as their nipnips.

Personally I feel sorry for the poor photographer in France who was unfortunate enough to find his eye line invaded by Kate sunbathing topless in the privacy of private grounds. Thankfully he just happened to have a massive telephone lens on his camera… you know the ones I mean….. all those…. what are they called…… pa…. pap…. papa….. arseholes have them.

You would think that the French would have learned their lesson after Diana’s death, but it looks like they want to hound Kate into an early grave too.

I say boycott everything french until they all apologise….. doors, toast, letters… the lot.

The Duke of Edinburgh was alleged to be thinking “Bloody cheese eating surrender monkeys… papping our Kate….. flog the buggers”, and probably “it’s not like she was caught banging a slapper on a billiard table, so let’s cut her some slack.”

We love you Kate… the french can all go Fuck themselves.

Olympic Legacy is Assured

September 14, 2012

Official figures released today by the department of self justification show that the Olympic legacy promised to us by Lord Coe, Boris Johnson et al is safe for years to come. Statistics to be published today show that more people spent longer watching people running, jumping and pedalling there way to fame and riches than at any previous games.

olympic legacy is safe for a generation

Olympic rings on fire symbolising the burning haemorrhoids epidemic anticipated after millions of plucky Brits gorge on junk food, too much beer and days of constant inactivity

We went onto the street to gauge public opinion on the Olympic legacy.

Mary Mantle said, “It’s been incredible, my boyfriend Barry hasn’t stopped watching them athletes and stuff for weeks now…. morning noon and night….. I admire him so much for his hard work and dedication.” she continued “Barry is adamant that the games have changed his views and from now on he is going to be watching a lot more TV, if only to keep the legacy alive.”

It seems that tuning in to watch millionaire hop, skip and jump their way into the record books has given the nation an appetite for watching far more TV than they used to.

Colin Wright, 22, from Tottenham said “I for one won’t be letting the legacy slip through my fingers, having spent many happy hours watching the games this summer, especially Jessica Ennis and the Ladies Beach Volley Ball, I’m gonna go channel hopping looking for more scantily clad hotties bouncing around….. it was great!” he also continued (even though we were walking away at this point), saying “there were some low points such as that british girl in the swimming who put me off my stroke for an hour or two, but as soon as I tuned into see the Trott girl in the cycling I got wood again and it all turned out ok in the end!”

Locock official organisers of legacy implementation are satisfied so far, saying sales of beer, take away food and tissues have seen record sales during the games.

TV watching saw a massive increase during the games as we all embraced the spirit of London 2012 by getting drunk, sitting for days on end and having junk food delivered in record numbers.

TV watching saw a massive increase during the games as we all embraced the spirit of London 2012 by getting drunk, sitting for days on end and having junk food delivered in record numbers.

A spokesman for the Government said “I think the people of Britain will continue to reap the rewards of London 2012, I for one will be watching more TV in future, and I know many of my colleagues feel the same.”

iPhone 5 to Rescue World Economy

September 13, 2012

World leaders were last night pinning all their hopes on Apple and the launch of their new vaguely improved, slightly bigger iPhone 5. Heralded by industry expert Barry Slammer of http://www.applearegreat.com as “revolutionary whilst remaining the same” sales of the totally unnecessary device are expected to singlehandedly prop up world economies.

Apple’s master stroke is to include a smaller power adapter, meaning that all those apple accessories gathering dust in the bottom of your drawer are now going to require an adapter to work with the new iPhone 5. Sales of adapters alone are set to double the GDP in the US in Q4 on 2012, meaning an end to recession and everyone living happily ever after.

Making an new iPhone that is slightly different to the old one was necessary in order for Apple to stay ahead in the desirability stakes. Julie Munter, a mother of one from Preston said, “It sounds fantastic, its new and shiny and desirable and everyone will think I’m awesome if I get one”. She then went on to say her only concern was that she was worried her son might moan about the bread and water he was going to have to eat for 6 months while she saved up her father feedem all handouts in order to buy one.

Apple denied it was profiteering from the power adapter redesign saying you don’t have to buy one if you don’t want to, but they are so pretty and so shiny, you might not be able to help yourself.

Even though they haven’t actually made any of the new phones yet, queues began to form outside many Apple stores. The queues were aided by the fact that fewer people have jobs these days, freeing up their time.

A spokesperson for Greece said ” Thank fuck for Apple, Europe is saved, happy days are here again!”

An Ebay spokesman apologised in advance for their site being unable to cope with the demand for substandard fake adapters out of China, saying “This shit takes a lot of bandwidth to flog and we underestimated how much we would need in three months time….. when this wholly unnecessary new device becomes available.

In response to demand for people wanting to gush and fawn over all things Apple, Twitter crashed….. opps!

A Samsung spokesman was reported as saying “Fuck” (but in Korean)

Olympics Ticket Sales turns into the Joke we all knew it would

July 10, 2012

Following on from the initial lottery to get hold of tickets to see an olympic event, where we all had to bid for, then pay for all the tickets we might possibly want, only to then be told we didn’t get any, with a subsequent refund, Seb Coe and the ticket selling geniuses at Lococ have now released millions more unsold tickets.

The initial sales process was a huge joke in my opinion. Where else would you be expected to pay in advance for all the tickets you showed an interest in, without knowing if you had got them or not? It’s like having to buy ten times more concert tickets than you might ever need just so you might get to see one of the bands?

Whatever the motivation for using such a stupid ticket selling system, whether it was to prevent the reselling by touts and potential profiteering, it hasn’t worked.

 

If they wanted to stop touts reselling tickets, it could be easily done, by selling tickets to named people. We all have either a passport, driving licence of NI number. If tickets were sold using one of these as ID, then there would be no tout issue. If you then couldn’t attend, the organisers could agree to buy your ticket back at face value. Result, no touts, no profiteering and everyone’s happy. (Except the touts obviously).

It’s not as simple as that however, as event organisers frequently dump large volumes of tickets with ‘official’ touts in order to get them sold, so it is rarely the case that you will pay face value for a ticket for anything….. which makes the organisers complicit in the whole tout issue.

Lococ have managed to piss me off regarding tickets for the olympics, having initially bid on several thousand pounds worth in the hope of getting to see some events, I received zero tickets. As a consequence, I have no intention of bidding on any more, as I see the process as futile and a waste of my time. If they want to sell tickets, then why not just sell them to interested parties.

If stadiums are not full then they only have themselves to blame.

UK Bankers Out For Themselves

July 4, 2012

News this week that bankers in the UK might not be as charitable and kind natured as we all used to think. Rob Diamonds from the light blue bunch of twats said “Fuck it you’ve caught me.”

It turns out that some of them were just out for themselves and in the process might have manipulated the Libor rate in order to make more money.

I know!! It’s hard to believe that when left unsupervised, bankers might fuck about in order to line their own nests, but…… and I realise that this is a shock for some….. they actually have!

For centuries, bankers have been held in equal esteem to say, your humble cockroach, or tapeworm, but it transpires that our faith and trust in them was wholely unfounded…. and far to good for them.

While we all sadly need bankers in order to make some money for the UK on the days that they aren’t asking us all to bend over so they can shaft us up the wrongun, it does appear to be pure folly to allow them to make their own decisions.

We need to start thinking of bankers as akin to children with ADHD, while simultaneously ripped to the tits on sweets and fizzy pop…… expecting them to behave is just asking too much.

Maybe a naughty step for bankers is the way forward….. problem with that is we are gonna need a fucking big step.

The only good thing about the whole situation is that “Dead ‘what a twat i am’ Ballsup” is getting dragged into it, which will hopefully mean that for one day is his pointless existence he might stop grinning like he can lick his own balls.

England Lose to Italy at Euro 2012

June 26, 2012

With what can only be described as the  inevitable, the pride of England gallantly lost to Italy on penalties.

The saddest thing about this, is that the FA, Roy Hodgeson et al, will console themselves that losing on penalties is a lottery and that next time it will be different.

It should have been different indeed, the game should not have got as far a penalties if Italy had managed to convert the opportunities that they created. With the exception of a 20 minute period in the first half, where England held their own against their vastly superior opposition, they were otherwise totally outclassed, out thought and out played.

The problem for the English game is that the Premier League is focused on itself, not the national game. As a consequence, our ‘elite’ players get to play for clubs dominated by foreign talent, who in effect make our home grown talent look better than they are.

I am a Rooney fan, and for his club, supported by a talented midfield, he play a good game. If you remove that midfield and replace it with the best that England has to offer, then his game doesn’t work, as we have all seen so often for England.

It is the case that our superstars are not superstars at all when placed on the European or world stage. They are all mediocre at best, and that is why we always fall down.

England players can hide in their club teams, when supported by international players, but when you take 11 mediocre men and put them together in one team, the results can only come out as they always do.

The press build them up into something they are not, giving unfounded hope to the supporters, who are gullible enough to fall for it every time.

The England team should forget about practicing penalties….. either they can score or they can’t….. and it they can’t, then what are they there for? They should practice passing the ball to their teammates, running without tripping over their own feet, they should all be made to wear whatever boots the Italians had on, as I didn’t see any of them slip over all night. We had several players slip over off the ball, let alone on it.

It astounds me that our ‘cream’ players are incapable of retaining possession, and resort to banging the ball up the pitch every time they regain possession.

The only bright point was that we are indeed a difficult team to score against. Our back four and Joe Hart did a solid job and that is something to build from, but until we bring through a midfield with the ability to retain the ball and develop play, we are pissing in the wind.

Italy has 68% possession, and when one of the pundits commented that all England needed was a bit of luck… I had to laugh, as we had plenty of luck, in so far as we should have been 6 nil down if the result reflected the vast gulf in basic footballing ability.

It’s time for a fundamental rethink in policy, youth development and strategy for the national team if we want to do better.

What do you think?

Greece To Leave the Euro

May 18, 2012

Is it just me, or does everyone think that accepting Greece into the Euro was one of the most stupid decisions made during the 20 century?

I can imagine the conversation between the Greek government and the ECB…..

“So are you certain that these Greek debt numbers are right?”

“Oh yes, of course… why would we lie to you?”

“That’s fine then, welcome aboard”

There is of course a good argument that Greece would be economically screwed were it a Euro member or not. Any country that doesn’t collect income tax from its people is going to be fucked either way, so from the Greek view point membership provided a safety net and vital access to the ECB’s cash reserves.

The Germans are so determined to make their fiscal experiment work, as well as benefiting from the current economic differences between member states, that bailing out a failing country with ever increasing debt was always on the cards. The popular term is “kicking the can down the road” which perfectly describes the ECB’s action so far. Rather than address the fundamental problems of countries that have been spending more than they earn and now can’t afford to repay it, they have instead just lent them more money…. as long as they made noises along the lines of promising to try to spend less in future.

The big problem with financial austerity is that the politicians and finance experts know what needs to be done, but as they are elected by people who like having stuff…. mostly for nothing, getting elected to actually carry out some austerity is proving difficult.

Even in the UK, for all the talk of austerity, we will be borrowing more during the first 5 years of the coalition government than Gordon Brown and Tony Blair ripped through in 13 years. What is bizarre, is that we seem to be making massive cuts to services, but not actually saving any money, reducing spending, borrowing or our debts.

If this is austerity, and financial prudence, I would hate to see frivolous spending!

So what’s going to happen when Greece leave, or are thrown out of the Euro?

It looks to me like this is going to happen sooner rather than later, and there are two main possible outcomes.

The first is that an orderly exit is planned for Greece to return to the Drachma, paving the way for instant devaluation which should make them more competitive against the Euro. Good news for cheap holidays possibly, and Taramasalata sales, but due to the lack on competitive industry in Greece, unlikely to solve its problems in the longer term. The upside for the Euro is that confidence would be instantly raised as it would then become less likely that Italy, Spain, Portugal and Ireland would end up leaving.

The second option is for a forced exit, if Greece were to default on its latest debt repayments, then a rapid exit would be forced upon it. Ironically, Greece would still receive European funding in order to dig itself out of the mess it is in even outside of the Euro mechanism.

Markets are expecting to see Greece leave, and a strong rebound is then expected, especially in banking stocks.

Whether Greece’s departure will prevent a run on the banking systems of the southern states is not clear, as the markets have a habit of picking at the carcass until the meat is gone, so it is by no means guaranteed that Greece leaving the Euro will secure the Euro’s survival. It is expected that the Spanish banking system will be thoroughly tried and tested in the coming months as the markets dictate who stands and falls in this crisis.

Spanish bonds are already trading at unsustainable levels, meaning that raising more money is going to be near impossible for them, well…… if they are to stand any hope of ever paying it back that is.

Where is it going to end and what does it mean for us…… well, it means, that we did well not to get tied up in a halfhearted fiscal pact of monetary union that had no control of each states borrowing levels. It also means that due to the fact that the UK Banking sector provides much of the funding across the Euro zone that our banks are liable for billions in defaults, and we all know where they like to come to to restore their balance sheets when their gambles fail to pay off.

So, to summarize, whatever happens, the outcome is looking a bit bleak…… this experiment of taking a collection of tourist destinations, giving them the same currency and hoping it pans out looks to have failed…… there is an old saying, “you can’t polish a turd”….. it turns out to be based on fact.


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